Yesterday, I went in for my 14 week check-up. The midwife had some trouble finding the heartbeat, and so we walked down the hall to the ultrasound room to speed things up. As soon as the image of the baby came on the screen, I felt something was wrong. No movement, and no pulsing chest heart rhythm. The tech targeted the area of the heart to get a reading of the heartbeat. As the monitor scrolled across the screen, instead of sound there was silence. Instead of the yellow fluctuation of a pulse reading, there was a solid gray streak. I already knew, but the midwife softly said, "Taylor, I am not seeing any cardiovascular activity..." I began to sob uncontrollably.
My heart broke in two and I felt so alone in that room. The women with me tried to offer comfort, but to no avail. The only comfort to be had in that time was from God, and I don't know that either of them realized this. I was taken to a room to grieve while Johnmark was called up to the hospital. I called a friend who had recently been through this tragedy and she prayed for me as I waited. God sent His peace. It has been with me ever since. Last night, we went to care group. We wanted to pray for a miracle. At least to ask our mighty God, who has the authority over life and death, to give back this baby. I know that may sound crazy, but that is okay. I wanted to place my trust in Him, even in this. As far as I know, there has been no change. The baby may not live (at least not here, I will know this child. It is a matter of when and where, not whether or no) or perhaps God has a radical miracle in store for our little world. My hope is steadfast in Him. I say with Job, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Thank you to everyone who has called, written, prayed, texted, stopped by, emailed, or just condoled in some way. God is good and faithful, and I want you to hear and see loudly this blazing testimony of His power. This has not come lightly, but it does bear witness heartily that what is in the Bible is true. In the midst of tragedy and suffering, it is true that He has been our refuge and strength and ever-present help. I do not question His goodness, or doubt His plan. He is good. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
3 comments:
amen. Praise God for his grace.
I love you, Taylor. I don't know where the saying came from, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" (in Christ), but with all my heart, I know it to be true, and I hear it in your heart. I am so sorry, my friend. I know you will have difficult times ahead, but He is strong in you now, and even when you feel weak, he will continue to be so! Thank you, God for how you love my friend.
Oh Taylor, We are praying for you and your family--and, that the baby would come back to life! Nothing is impossible with God... Bless you.
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