Self Sufficiency (Unfinished post from back in June)

Hey, so I was going back through my old posts looking for some pictures I thought I had loaded, and found this draft of an old post. While its application transcends, don't think that I am currently potty training my son or that I am still freshly in the midst of this particular struggle. I thought it might be worth publishing as a reminder to myself, and hopefully to encourage anyone who might be closer to this struggle. Here it is:


Yesterday. I had a meltdown. It was potty training induced, but fed by an application of the previous Sunday's sermon. (I will link when the sermon is up online.) I realized initially, that I did not trust God with my daily life. I was trusting a godly lifestyle, perhaps, but not God himself. The difference, for those of you who think I am splitting hairs (which I am not doing, by the way), is clear by the fruit of my labors, as well as the state of my heart in moments of testing. First of all, the fruit. I have been increasingly aware of the weight of my burden as a wife and mother of three young children, with many added responsibilities from the church, extended family, and community. Where was I going for strength? Well, truly, I was simply digging in my heels and trying to cope. Now don't miss my point, I was reading my Bible. I wanted to hear from God. But I was not relying on him. I was not motivated to care for others because of how Christ has cared for me (most importantly, his sacrificial death and resurrection). I was using the Bible as a tool to accomplish my own agenda (to relieve the potential guilt of not reading it, for example). I was attacking my children with Bible verses, but not necessarily imparting grace and hope, because I did not rest on those things myself. I was seeking the Holy Spirit, even, so that I could "feel" better, and "experience" God. Again, please don't hear what I am not saying. Those things are good, but my corrupt heart was wrecking their true purpose. If I am not ultimately surrendered to God, and motivated by an understanding of His grace and goodness (a.k.a. the functional gospel), all other work is prideful at the core and is therefore compromised by sin. It is good to seek God. It is good to experience the power of the Holy Spirit, it is good to care for my friends and to speak God's word to my children. What has been missing in all of those things, for me, has been a general reliance on and submission to God. My heart is not fully trusting Him. Now, the second evidence, which came about in the moment of testing, also demonstrated trust not in God or His promises, but in my own abilities. If I am relying on myself for strength and grace in the fiery trials, then I will, with very few exceptions outwardly (and always inwardly) fail. What's in my heart? Rage, selfish ambition, jealousy, hatred, and all sorts of evil things. Now, as a believer, the gospel is also in my heart and with it peace, patience, grace, love, joy, mercy, gentleness and all sorts of good things. So, in moments of testing, which group do I tend to resemble? Well, that helps to discern which part of my heart is governing in those moments. It is easy to confuse quiet with true peace, happiness with true joy, or convenience with the dispensation of grace. And again, God does give us such seasons of rest and peace and convenient life circumstances, they are not evil in of themselves. The trick is that, in those seasons, it is far more difficult to discern where our hearts rest. Have we chosen the rock-solid truth of the gospel? Or have we gone soft and forgotten the depth of our need for a Savior? Nothing brings out the truth like the testing of trials and pain. Or smushy poo all over the otherwise freshly cleaned living room floor...